When I meet with a new patient for an initial therapy appointment, we spend time reviewing information that will be helpful as they begin therapy. We talk about what brings them in (presenting problem), their history with it, and the factors that make it better or worse. In many of these appointments, the question inevitably is asked “Why is this happening?”.
“Why have my symptoms of anxiety been getting so much worse?”
“Why did I start having symptoms of depression in the first place?”
“What is the reason I’ve been feeling this way physically? I’ve never felt this way before”
I would love to be able to answer this question for every person who walks through my door. More often than I’d like to admit, I catch myself saying, “If you find the answer, please let me know.” What I have found though, is that asking “why” is usually a trap, one that keeps us stuck in a cycle of pain and only lead to more questions.
The Toddler Who Learned to Ask “Why”
Have you ever been pulled into a conversation with a toddler who just discovered the word “why”? These conversations rarely end in satisfying conclusions. You answer their question, and they’re right back with another why.
Toddler: Why do I have to go to bed?
Adult: Because you need sleep.
Toddler: Why?
Adult: Sleep helps you grow.
Toddler: Why do I need to grow?
Adult: So, you’ll get bigger.
Toddler: Why?
Adult: So, you can do more things.
Toddler: Like stay up late?
Adult: No.
Toddler: Why?
Our brain can work the same way as a toddler. The more we search for answers, the more questions we uncover. This is where we move toward acceptance.
When we accept difficult situations, thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions, we give ourselves a much better chance of responding in a way that aligns with our values, than if we try to reject or avoid them. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this skill is so central that it is built right into the name.
The Quicksand Metaphor
ACT relies on metaphors to help patients understand its core ideas, and one of the most well-known is the quicksand metaphor.
Imagine you’re walking through a forest along a river, and you suddenly step into quicksand. Your instinct is to fight, struggle, and frantically pull yourself out. But the more you struggle, the more stuck you become. The struggle itself is what makes it worse. So how do you actually get out of quicksand? You stay calm, avoid sudden movements, lean back to increase your surface area, move slowly and steadily, and gradually roll or crawl to firmer ground.
Difficult thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations work the same way. When we pour all our energy into getting rid of anxiety, depression, or a painful sensation, and into asking why it’s there, we often end up more tangled in it, not less.
Asking “What” Instead of “Why”
I hope that you don’t run into quicksand anytime soon, however, I hope you’ll consider taking this same approach of acceptance the next time you catch yourself asking “why.”
So what do I actually do when a patient asks me the inevitable “why is this happening?” I encourage them to ask “what” instead. That looks like a few simple steps:
- What is the situation?
- What feelings are associated with it (emotionally and physically)?
- What thoughts are associated with it?
- What can I do in the short term to manage this and move toward the life I want?
When we stop asking why, we free up our energy to focus on actions and solutions. What will you do today that moves your life a little closer to what you value?
If Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or having the opportunity to talk through situations like this with a professional behavioral health therapist, sounds like it may support your emotional and mental well-being, learn more about Avance Care Behavioral Health services today.
