From the outside looking in, an obvious solution to experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV) in a relationship might seem to be to simply leave, right? However, the reality is not that simple. Leaving is never “simple.” Several challenges—such as financial barriers, housing insecurity, child custody concerns, and more—can make leaving extremely difficult. But perhaps the biggest barriers victims of abuse face come from within.
It’s the deeper psychology driving the cycle of abuse that truly explains why it can be so hard to escape an abusive situation. The abuser and their victim are essentially engaged in a “dissociative dance” — a cycle that leaves the victim in a state of paralyzed confusion. The roots of this dance can often be traced back to early childhood experiences, long before the perpetrator and victim ever meet. The legacy of childhood trauma paves the way for the cycle of violence and trauma bonding, which can be understood through Object Relations Theory.
The Cycle of Violence
The cycle of violence identifies 3 main phases of violence: the honeymoon phase, tension building phase, and acute violence phase. The individuals caught in this cycle will rotate through these phases in a cyclical fashion. The perpetrator of violence and their victim each have their own dissociative experience within this cycle, these dissociative states, while individually experienced, can be reflective of each other.
The Honeymoon Phase
In the honeymoon phase, everything seems to be going well. The perpetrator is calm and pleasant, sometimes even showering the victim with praise, love, and attention. Early in a relationship, when things appear good, the danger may not be clear. “Red flags” can be easily overlooked. The perpetrator still faces daily stressors, as we all do, but in this early stage, they don’t yet use those stressors as an excuse for abusive behavior.
The Tension-Building Phase
Then the next phase is indicated by a rise in tensions. The perpetrator is agitated, may begin to “nitpick” or otherwise devalue the victim, blaming life’s stressors for their agitation and verbally abusive behavior. The victim may make excuses for the perpetrator’s behavior, support the perpetrators stance on their stressors as the problem, or may begin to withdraw and shutdown as the environment begins to feel like walking on eggshells.
The Acute Violence Phase
The next phase is acute violence. The acute violence phase is when a violent outburst is either threatened (as this is still abusive behavior) or has occurred. Types of abuse in this phase can include verbal abuse (insults, name-calling, etc.), throwing items, or yelling, and can escalate to more severe violence, such as physical abuse (hitting, punching, kicking, etc.), threats, attempts to control, sexual violence, and emotional manipulation. Violence may occur abruptly, and it can be hard to escape. Sometimes victims do fight back, call the police, leave the house, and seek help. Still, feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and confusion often flood the victim at this point. Alternatively, victims may also fall into a state of shutdown, as the feelings of powerlessness may facilitate a freeze response or dissociative state.
The Aftermath and Return to the Honeymoon Phase
Once acute violence occurs, there is a shift in which the abuser returns to a different state as the fear of abandonment sets in. Their behavior shifts. The perpetrator often becomes apologetic, may become romantic, be “nice” or on “good behavior,” as they are seeking to repair the relationship rupture. Essentially, they are shifting back to the honeymoon phase. The perpetrator experiences a shift in behavior first, and the dissociative dance continues should the victim experience a mirroring shift in themselves. This mirroring shift often occurs when the victim feels an increase in oxytocin (the “love” hormone”) while experiencing the efforts of the perpetrator’s attempts at reconnection. Should this occur, and the victim continues to stay, the cycle of abuse will continue.
So, what else happens behind this cycle for the victim?
Understanding Trauma Bonding
To understand one element of this, we need to understand trauma bonding.
What Trauma Bonding Is—and Isn’t
- What it is not: It is not bonding over shared trauma.
- What it is: Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment that forms through the cycle of abuse itself.
The perpetrator abuses, then follows the abuse with kindness or affection. This confusing pattern of positive and negative reinforcement strengthens the emotional bond.
Victims often think:
- “They’re usually so nice. How could they be so mean?”
- “It’s not bad all the time, so maybe it’s okay.”
- “This will pass.”
Internalizing the “Bad Object”
To understand what this means, let’s consider the people around us as “objects.” Perhaps some are “good objects,” and others are “bad objects.” Whether good or bad, we tend to differentiate ourselves from other objects. I’m me; you’re you. But when the object is an abusive partner who, perhaps, we rely on financially, have children with, etc., the only way to go towards the abuser (despite the abuse), is to internalize the “bad object” and their behaviors.
This allows the victim to approach the abuser with love and compassion, “They aren’t bad, so maybe I’m bad,” is the side effect of internalizing the bad object. The victim (unconsciously) projects the good parts of themself onto their abuser to see them in a good light, and, in turn, sees themself in a negative light. An example of this: “Maybe I was being too loud (or bossy, needy, etc.), and that just set them off.” In a trauma bond, the victim will often feel empathy for the abuser or a sense of responsibility for their emotional experience, while harboring shame and powerlessness for themselves internally. As the cycle of violence continues on, the trauma bond strengthens.
Putting It All Together
As mentioned earlier, this cycle technically started in childhood for many who find themselves in the position of the perpetrator or the victim, as both often have experienced or been exposed to IPV. According to statistics, it is estimated that 1 in 4 children will experience IPV in their lifetime, and up to 57% of those children experience some form of child maltreatment (Office of Justice Programs, 2020). This sets the stage for future violence through a dissociative dance. A child in an unstable household may first “internalize the bad object” of their unpredictable caregivers. This means they have internalized shame and projected the best parts of themselves on their caregivers in the form of a trauma bond.
This can carry on into adulthood and replicate in adult relationships. The perpetrator – full of rage and hate towards futile caregivers – projects the bad parts of themselves onto the victim, and the victim may unconsciously project all the best parts of themselves onto their partner, as they did in childhood with her caregivers. The dance begins. The victim assumes the role of carrying the emotional baggage projected onto them by the perpetrator as if it were their own hurt and pain. They assume responsibility for the bad parts of their partner, but this was never their baggage to carry, own, or even fix.
In this dissociative cycle:
In the cycle of violence, this looks like: Perpetrator begins to split and projects bad parts of themselves onto their partner, which justifies the persecutory behavior of devaluing and eventual acute violence. The victim, assuming responsibility for the perpetrator will in turn walk on eggshells, maybe placate and try to control and manage the perpetrator’s rage. Violence occurs, and once this violence (e.g. emotion) is no longer living within the nervous system of the perpetrator, the fear of abandonment takes over as they “realize” their error (often called a “mistake,”), and they may “snap out of it.”
The perpetrator may then return to a state of niceness as they may make efforts to repair the relationship rupture and shift back to the honeymoon phase. The victim, while in a state of confusion and possible dissociation, may then begin to experience what is almost a sense of amnesia as the perpetrator turns up the intensity of the niceness. Interestingly, despite this being a dissociative dance, the perpetrator typically maintains a full memory of the events. The victim, however, may experience a form of dissociation that makes it difficult for them to mentally and hold on to the memory. Their bodies’ nervous system does not forget and holds tightly to the trauma they experienced.
Why Don’t They Just Leave?
The very nature of abuse does far more damage than just physical. It impacts thoughts, memory, self-esteem, self-efficacy, and much more. For some, leaving may feel impossible. Statistically, it can take up to 7 times of trying to leave (on average) before finally being able to escape an IPV relationship (The Hotline (n.d.). Couple the psychological aspects with psychosocial aspects such as finances, housing, children, lack of support, etc., and the process can be seen as highly complex. There is hope, though, as people can and do find their way out of the darkness. Oftentimes, this is with the help of their support system – which often includes domestic violence organizations and mental health professionals – and a solid safety plan.
Support and Healing Are Possible
In North Carolina, most counties have a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Agency that provides resources, support, and shelter. At Avance Care Behavioral Health, we have licensed clinicians experienced in working with IPV victims and survivors. Our providers offer trauma-informed therapy to help you process your experiences, rebuild safety, and begin healing. We provide both telehealth and in-person appointments, ensuring privacy and flexibility as you take steps toward recovery. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please remember: you do not have to go through this alone. Help is available, and healing is possible.
Resources
- Abrahams, D. J. (1994). Domestic violence and object relations theory. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 48(4), 508–519.
- Celani, D. P. (1999). Applying Fairbairn’s object relations theory to the dynamics of the battered woman. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 53(1), 61–73.
- Curtis, A., Harries, T., Pizzirani, B., Hyder, S., Baldwin, R., Mayshak, R., Walker, A., Toumbourou, J. W., & Miller, P. (2022). Childhood predictors of adult intimate partner violence perpetration and victimization. Journal of Family Violence, 38, 1591–1606. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-022-00451-0
- MPDC. (n.d.). The cycle of violence. Retrieved October 7, 2025, from https://mpdc.dc.gov/page/cycle-violence
- Office of Justice Programs. (2020, January 8). Children exposed to violence. U.S. Department of Justice. https://www.ojp.gov/program/programs/cev
- The Hotline. (n.d.). 50 obstacles to leaving. Retrieved October 7, 2025, from https://www.thehotline.org/resources/get-help-50-obstacles-to-leaving/
