Teaching children about emotions and mental health is crucial for their development, yet many parents avoid these conversations, unsure of how to approach them. While professional support is valuable, parents play the most significant role in developing emotional intelligence. This guide offers simple and practical steps to help you start building emotional awareness and communication skills with your child, regardless of their age.
Why Talking About Mental Health Is Important with your Children
Children are experiencing this world for the first time and are constantly trying to determine what is “normal” while facing constant new experiences, stressors, and changes every day. Setting up a child’s home to be a place for them to process concerns and struggles, talk about the things they are learning and seeing, and ask questions to trusted adults can drastically reduce feelings of anxiety caused by uncertainty and reduce feelings of isolation. It also allows the parents to decide how they want their child to learn skills and answer tough questions themselves instead of the child learning from peers, searching online, or forming unhelpful coping skills on their own.
Discussing mental health with your child helps reduce anxiety, fosters trust, and promotes healthy coping mechanisms. It also provides a safe space for your child to process emotions, improving their social skills, empathy, and school performance. Research shows that children with strong emotional intelligence have better relationships, are more empathetic, have higher academic success (better focus and have higher grades in school), and lower stress as adults.
The RULER Skills for Increasing Emotional Intelligence
One of the best things you can practically introduce into your home is modeling the RULER skills in everyday conversations. The words you say aloud help to build the internal thoughts in children, so while it may feel silly sometimes to talk about your own emotions aloud, it helps children to build these thoughts and processes. Researchers have identified these five skills to support increasing emotional intelligence in children (and adults as well). Start with:
1. Recognize emotions in oneself and others: How am I/are they feeling? What does my body feel like (e.g., muscle tension, energy, breathing, heart rate, etc.)?
Think about how this may affect our interactions with others and our environment. You may need to help younger kids identify what they are feeling through questions like: Do you feel nervous? Did that make you feel embarrassed? Did you hit because you felt angry?
2. Understand the causes and consequences of emotions: What has been happening that led to us feeling this way?
Sometimes this is because of big stressors; we may be hungry, thirsty, or tired; have just had a negative interaction with someone; or may be worried about something coming up. Helping us recognize these triggers allows us to be more prepared in the future, as well as giving ourselves and others grace for how it may impact our reactions.
3. Label emotions accurately: What words can I use to best describe how I am feeling?
Using some of the more base-level words like happy, sad, or mad is great to start with but does not always fully depict how we’re feeling. Kids as young 2 may be able to recognize feelings like being scared, embarrassed, or worried.
I recommend using a Feelings Wheel to help expand your vocabulary when practicing labeling.
4. Express emotions in ways that are appropriate for time, place, and socially: How can I appropriately display and communicate what I am feeling in this situation?
The best way to express our feelings may often depend on what setting we are in and who we’re talking to. It is important to teach your child what we are doing and why, as well as what we can do when we are at school or in public, so when they inevitably arise, they have an idea of what to do.
5. Regulate Emotions: How can I maintain this feeling or try to change my feelings?
This may include short-term strategies, as well as long-term skills to work on. Some of these may look like:
- Taking deep breaths – Here’s a link to kid-friendly ways breathing exercises.
- Positive self-talk – “I am okay! I can do hard things! I am strong, smart, and brave!”
- Taking a break from the situation – This is not supposed to be a punishment. Consider making a cool-down corner or having some activities like coloring, jumping on a trampoline, fidgets, or reading a book – not recommended to use screens for regulation, as they tend to just zone-out versus helping their body regulate.
- Reframe the negative interactions to them or others (and yourself)- “I know it’s been a long day and they’re pretty tired; no wonder they reacted with such big emotions.”
Zones of Regulation
A more condensed place to start may include teaching about Zones of Regulation for paying attention to their emotional state. It is a color-coded system which includes green for calm and happy, yellow for frustration, anxiety, decreasing in emotional control; red for feeling out of control with feeling angry or terrified; and blue for feeling sad, sick, or tired. This will improve awareness of their emotions and prompts them to use some regulation skills.
Check-Ins
A simple way to start can include regular family check-ins, where everyone shares how they’re feeling. Consider replacing questions like, “How was your day?” with questions like “How are you feeling?” Encourage discussion about how they are doing in detail with follow-up questions regarding why they feel that way, what happened that led to that, and if there is anything you can do to help, even if it is just being a listening ear. Try to avoid generic answers like good or fine. The idea is just to start having these conversations more regularly, as it will teach your kids that you are willing to listen and support them. A few tools to facilitate conversation could include:
- Rose, Bud, and Thorn – Share the best part of your day (Rose), something you are looking forward to (Bud), and the hardest part (Thorn).
- Mood Scale – Ask your child to rate their mood today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst mood and 10 being the best and why. This can be done with younger kids as a thumbs up/thumbs down scale or can choose anywhere in between.
- One-on-one walks – A relaxed and distraction-free setting may allow for more honest conversations about feelings and experiences.
Normalizing Mental Health Conversations
Make emotional discussions a regular part of your family routine by engaging in the discussed skills, as well as giving your child a safe space to talk about their feelings at any time. You will be able to build trust and encourage these conversations when you practice being available, not judging what they say or have done, not dismissing their feelings, and trying not to criticize or punish them for what they are telling you. You do not need all the answers or to fix their problems for them – just being present and supportive is enough.
Sharing your own feelings and healthy methods of coping (in an age-appropriate way) can also model emotional openness to your child and demonstrate that you are comfortable with these conversations. For example, you can say things like, “I’ve had a difficult day at work, so I took a walk and talked to my friend to help me feel better.”
Building emotional intelligence takes time, patience, and practice. Think of it as learning a new language – it cannot be mastered overnight and will not be perfect every time, especially in the beginning. By fostering emotional awareness in your home, you will be able to help your child navigate their emotions, improve relationships with others, and build the foundation for a healthy emotional future. If you find yourself wanting to learn more about ways to support emotional development within your children, your family, or even yourself, Avance Care Behavioral Health is a great place to start. Our therapists would love to partner with your family to develop these skills and create strong relationships within your home.
