If you’re considering going no contact with a parent, you’re likely feeling torn, exhausted, and unsure whether you’re being self-protective or unreasonably harsh. It’s a decision often made in quiet desperation as it is often met with immense stigma and criticism. In the era of social medica, parents may feel judged for having an estranged adult child, while adult children may experience shame for walking away from familial obligations. But Judging estrangement as a moral failure oversimplifies what are often deeply nuanced and personal decisions.
Recent Trends and Research
The idea of “going no contact” has emerged alongside broader cultural shifts emphasizing individual psychological well-being and greater public awareness of intergenerational abuse and trauma. Research on family estrangement in America suggests that over 1 in 4 families experience some form of estrangement, with an average onset occurring around 25 years old. While some express concern that the rate of parent-child estrangement is on the rise, others hypothesize that it is our awareness of such dynamics that has increased in recent years.
Who Deserves Your Love?
In her new book, Who Deserves Your Love, KC Davis, LPC, offers a down-to-earth framework for making values-informed decisions around whether to stay or disengage from painful relationships. Davis emphasizes that while love can be unconditional, relationships themselves are not—and there are times when choosing distance can be the most compassionate option available—for both parties.
The Relationship Decision Tree
Below is an abbreviated outline of KC Davis’s Relationship Decision Tree, one of several helpful tools from her book. The significance of these questions goes beyond the decision-making process as they can be used at any time to facilitate self-reflection and gain clarity on what is, and isn’t, within your control.
- “Why is this person’s behavior objectionable to you?”
- “Is this person willing to work toward collaborative solutions that mitigate pain?”
- “Does this person what the capacity to learn the skills to make the changes necessary?”
- “Does staying in this relationship violate your values?”
- “Do you want to stay in this relationship?”
- “At this time, would leaving this relationship violate your values?”
Davis then presents two general outcomes of the decision tree:
Option 1: Stay and implement boundaries that protect your well-being.
Option 2: Disengage, either temporarily or permanently (which also requires boundaries).
Our Boundaries are Just That – Ours
If you’ve been grappling with the idea of going no contact, you’ve likely encountered a sea of conflicting information about what boundaries look like in action. As essential tools to any successful relationship – near and far – it may be helpful to reconsider how we define boundaries. KC Davis argues that good, effective boundaries empower us to:
- Adopt a radical sense of agency over our own emotions and behavior.
- Recognize when the behavior and emotions of others are not our responsibility.
- Communicate to others in a way that is authentic while honoring the differences in relationships and contexts.
- Distinguish between what is our fault and what is our responsibility.
- Balance care of self and care for others.
- Balance outside input and intuition.
Boundaries, when framed in this way, are internal. They are not rules we place on others, but limits we set and uphold within ourselves. This means we cannot force someone to change, be safe, or treat you well — but we can decide what we are and aren’t willing to participate in.
Choosing to step away from a relationship, even with a parent, isn’t about punishment or rejection. When done in alignment with your values, it’s about honoring what is emotionally sustainable for you. Whether you decide to stay and manage the relationship with new boundaries, or step back entirely, the work is the same: staying honest with yourself about your values, your limits, and your capacity. No contact is not a failure — it’s one way to take ownership of your well-being.
For anyone seeking an accessible and compassionate resource on boundaries I highly recommend Who Deserves Your Love by KC Davis. If you’re navigating challenging relationships — with family, friends, or loved ones — therapy can provide a space for deep exploration, radical empathy, and, where appropriate, support reconnection or closure. To learn more about our services, call Avance Behavioral Health at 919.874.5443, or click here to visit our webpage to schedule an appointment with one of our Behavioral Health therapists.
Resources:
- Davis, K. (2025). Who Deserves Your Love. Simon and Schuster.
- Dean, J. (2020). Pillemer: Family estrangement a problem “hiding in plain sight.” Cornell Chronicle. https://news.cornell.edu/stories/2020/09/pillemer-family-estrangement-problem-hiding-plain-sight
- Reczek, R., Stacey, L., & Thomeer, M. B. (2023). Parent-Adult Child Estrangement in the United States by Gender, Race/ethnicity, and Sexuality. Journal of marriage and the family, 85(2), 494–517. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12898
- Why Estrangement Occurs. (2020). Together Estranged. https://doi.org/10950209328/dvCrCNrRys4DELDeu-Uo
